July 15, 2009

Classic Cars and Inbreds

Community tradition is a big deal in my little town in the middle of nowhere. It's a time when all the under-educated mill workers change out of their Carharts and shake the sawdust from their hair, when the rednecks and backwood inbreds make their way off the set of Deliverance and rejoin society for a bit of good old fashion entertainment.

Since before I was born a Classic Car Show would take place every year in the middle of July. I grew up watching the old cars cruise downtown, while running out into the street to pick up candy the riders would throw out the windows. This was before the days of razor blades in laffy taffy, hypodermic needles filled with AIDS in caramel apples, and cyanide-laced packages of pixy stix.

Last weekend was the Annual Classic Car Show and the entire 24 thousand members of my pathetic community packed up their blankets, folding chairs, and ice-chests full of piss beer, and claimed their spots on the sidewalk to watch the festivities.

The entire 5 block section of downtown is blocked off during The Cruise to provide ample room for overpriced restored classics to show off their new chrome grills, neon under lights, NOS injections, and spinners. Seems to me they have completely missed the point of a classic, as you would have never seen those shenanigans in the 50's.

I happen to live in the downtown area, and was slightly concerned I wouldn't be allowed to drive to work during The Cruise due to road closure, but was assured by an officer on duty near my house that they would allow me through.

15 minutes before my shift I hopped in our old truck and set off for work. Now, I have been warned several times, by several different people that there is something seriously wrong with our truck, but have never had the time, or the money to do anything about it. So we do our best to keep her running, but know its only a matter of time before she dies.

I proceeded with caution as I drove through the Cruise. I tried my best to keep a low profile as I stuck out like a sore thumb between a 53' Oldsmobile Rocket and a 57' Chevrolet Bel Air.

And then it happened. The spark plugs flipped me the bird as they laid down for a nap, the transmission went on vacation with the starter, and the alternator was strung out on smack.

So there I sat, in the middle of the road. Broke down, in front of my entire community, the local news crew, a SWAT team circling ahead in a government chopper, and Jesus descending from the heavens. And there I sat for what seemed like days, with horns honking all around me, and hicks throwing empty beer cans, while an officer gently suggested that I get the fuck out of the road.

I turned the key....And nothing.

"You're ruining the show!!"

I turned the key again....nothing.

"Your truck sucks!!!"

I turned the key, said a silent prayer.....and she finally started.

"Your mother was a whore!!"

Ok, I'll admit that I was ruining the show, and my truck really does suck, but the last comment was completely unnecessary, so as I hit the gas as hard as I could, I leaned out the window and yelled...

"Yah, well your mother is your sister, you stupid inbred bastard..."

...I love this town


Anonymous said...

Your town probably secretly worships an Antediluvian Creature from Beyond Time and Space and has to keep it placated by showcasing tricked-out "classic" cars once a year. That's the only explanation I can imagine for being such assholes to someone with car trouble.

Nice comeback, by the way.

Anonymous said...

HA! I'm gonna haveta remember that comeback next time I'm driving to an Alabama family reunion!

Bella said...

hilarious! We have car show here in this inbred town too! like you, I'm trying to keep this bitch of mine running too!

Anonymous said...

Wonder if any of the rednecks thought, "Now, that's a nice truck!"

New reader and love the site!


Anonymous said...

Apparently it didn't occur to any of those so-called car guys to run out and offer some assistance. They must've left their tools at home with the mate to the sock in their pants.

There are various events in this area that, at least peripherally, include a car show. It saddens me to see all the old cars (especially the pre-'40s stuff) molested with flashy wheels, chop jobs, alien engines, etc—especially having grown up around Model "A"s that were restored to stock. When you f' a car up with bullcrap, it's not classic of what it was anymore; it's classic of f'd up bullcrap. :|

The Veteran Server said...

Your town sounds quite festive! Lol! God bless.

Wendy said...

I really want to know the story on the guys in that first picture. Seriously. ???

Also, I'm surprised people in a town that small were that rude. I grew up in tiny town Texas and people go out of their way to be nice, even when it is passive-aggressive-nice, just so they won't get talked about.

Cheryl said...

"Yah, well your mother is your sister, you stupid inbred bastard..."

*laughs so hard she can't breathe* Good one!

uberregenbogen makes a good point: what gives with not a single car guy offering assistance? Losers. Loved her comment about the socks.