Gall Bladder Removal.

One Saturday Elvira was keeled over in the bar holding her stomach in excruciating pain. She was sent home early because eventually she couldn't even hold herself upright. She called in sick the next three shifts. Nobody knew what the hell was going on, so on her fourth missed shift Manager C told her she needed a doctors note. Upon visiting the doctor she learned she had cholesterol gallstones, and would need a Cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal).

Prior to the surgery, she had some lab work done, as is a common practice. She had a tox screen, a UA, and a CBC. After reviewing the results, the doctor warned Elvira about the dangers of her particular habits. To which she replied "It's my life, I will do what I want."
Classy Elvira, classy.

Post surgery Elvira was in a recovery consultation. She was once again urged to discontinue all drug, tobacco, and alcohol usage, as these could dramatically effect her rehabilitation. She once again irresponsibly declined.

As their meeting was drawing to a close, he quickly wrote her a prescription for 1000mg Ibuprofen. She immediately announced that she wanted something stronger, to which he replied that she would not be in much pain, and that anything stronger then the ibuprofen could possibly do more damage to her digestive system.

Frantically she tried again, demanding that she absolutely HAD to have something stronger for the pain. Leaning back in his chair, he removed his glasses, and said...


"You're clearly an alcoholic, you reek of stale pot, and your uncontrollable jitters and grumpiness would suggest that the last two days without a cigarette have been anything but delightful. I will NOT be giving you anything stronger. You really think its wise to get addicted to another substance?"

Kudos on your bed-side manners Dr. House, I'm sure you wont be to surprised to find out she's working on a case to sue your honest ass. I know I wasn't.

Cooking Burns and Stripper Poles

Elvira is scandalous. The more I work with her, the more I feel the need to come home and disinfect everything I own. It started subtly. A naughty comment here, a blow job in the walk-in there. Before I knew it she was describing to me vivid sex-dreams in intimate details.

She wants to fuck 90% of the male employees at the steakhouse, and would probably have a go at most of the ladies to. She's been warned about making off-colored remarks because sound echos in the kitchen, and the front half of the restaurant can usually hear everything that is said, however most of the time she comes to work to drunk, hungover, or to strung out to care.

One evening this week she came to work with her arm bandaged up, and tucked safely in a sling. She said she burnt her arm pretty badly while cooking, when the always witty and clever BB said loudly,

"Right...It's probably a friction burn from your stripper pole."

Everyone laughed hysterically, and Elvira blushed as she replied,

"I wish I knew how to pole dance."

Several hours later BB and I happened to be back in the dish pit when he said,

"Seems weird thinking of her burning herself cooking. It just doesn't fit, Elvira....cooking...?!!"

To which I replied,

"Yeah...Cooking Meth maybe?"

Meet the Staff Part 3.

The Co-Workers
Part 2

6. Elvira- With even bigger hair and absurd amounts of make up, this bartender looks worse then the Mistress herself. She's a very sweet hearted gal, but as a woman living in the 21st century, I cannot figure out her sense of fashion and style. Working with her makes everyday feel like Halloween, and I left my costume at home.


7. Crippled Vet- This douche-tank is my least favorite person at the Steakhouse. He's been around almost as long as Crack Whore, and is the biggest baby I have ever met. He is in his early 30's, and spent like 10 minutes in Iraq a few years ago, and he wines and complains every single shift about his war injury's, and mental distress even though we all know he was discharged for sleep-talking. Now, don't get me wrong, I respect and honor our war veterans, but this guy is hardly one, he just claims so to get out of doing side-work, rolling silverware, or bussing his own tables. (and No, we do not have a busser, he makes the Host do it.)


8. Tween Surprise-These lovely teenage ass wipes (mentioned here) are the newest members at the Steakhouse. They all bring with them a plethora of high school drama bullshit, and won't shut up about boyfriends, pep ralleys, and there first time giving a blow job. They are incredibly excited about life, and are oblivious to the reality of becoming an adult. Often overheard bragging about spending there last $60 dollar paycheck on a new Ipod, and an Abercrombie mini skirt, these retards annoy me simply because I know for a fact I wasn't like that at 17.

Meet the Staff Part 2.

The Co-Workers
Part 1

1. Crack Whore-Crack whore has worked at the Steakhouse since before it was the steakhouse, and longer then everyone including the managers, which automatically gives her the right to act like she owns the place. Having lost more then 90 pounds in less then 3 months, and having more men ask for her section then a Prostitute on a busy night in Vegas, we all know her secret.


2.Pregnant Bitch- (Also known as the vicious table thieving K.B) She's having a rough pregnancy, I get that, but don't take you morning sickness, ass cramps, and headaches out on me. She's the real nasty fighter type to. The key your car, stab your tires and sleep with your boyfriend if you cross her type.

3. Pregnant Bitch's Husband- This is the funniest, most sarcastic fucking guy I have ever met. and one of my favorite people to work with, unless his wife is working.

4. Pregnant Bitch's Husband's Sister- Have I told you yet that almost every person here is related in some form. Sister is pretty decent however. She trained me, and taught me all the half-assed ways to skimp on everything from side-work, to paying my checkout at night. She's also as witty and sarcastic as her brother, making for an interesting and entertaining combination for the rest of us when they get into an argument.


5. Dolly Parton-5 Time divorcee, is always looking for a new sugar daddy. With an age guess of about 60, she is always getting gifts from numerous men whom she brags about sleeping with. She claims to be plastic surgery free, but the woman looks like a mix between Dolly/Joan River and the creepy Cat Lady but She is a great server, as expected since she's been doing it for the last 45 years.

Meet the Staff Part 1.

My beloved Steakhouse and Saloon is in a small town in the middle of nowhere. (Much like this one.) We are primarily a logging and retirement community, and our only claim to fame would be the many Superbowl rings of every one's favorite Steeler. There is next to nothing going on here, and if I wasn't knee deep into my second degree I would seriously considering getting the hell out.
I started working at the Steakhouse as I could not handle one more ounce of corporate bullshit at Red Red, where I was employed for a near suicidal 3 years.
I was happy with the new job, as It had always been my favorite place to eat in town. I loved the laid-back atmosphere, throwing the peanut shells on the floor, and the yeast rolls with honey butter. All things that I have now come to hate as an employee.

My coworkers, and the management here are decent, and certainly better then the spoiled teenage fuck-faces, and overpaid and undereducated asshole management at the Dirty Bird. But still not entirely ideal.

I have decided to take the next few posts and give you a proper introduction of my Steakhouse Family. I figured that since we are going to be spending so much time together in the future, It would be nice for you to know a little bit more about the main characters of all my fucked up, and 100% true confessions.

Enjoy.